It was summer holiday 2003, I was 12 years old. We went to a campground. The same one we went to every year. We knew the other campers, had “friends” there and there was a lot to do for kids. For some reason, my mom wasn’t there that year. I can’t remember if she didn’t go at all, or if she went home early. But I can’t remember her there at all. My dad was there at night, I think. But during the day he was with my mom. Our campground was a two and a half-hour drive away from home, as far as I can remember. So my dad must have been exhausted from driving every day.
A couple weeks earlier I saw my mom getting worse and worse. I saw her standing on the scale a few times. Maybe if I would’ve asked someone about it, I would have known it was dreadful. I would have known she was so far gone already. She weighed 33 kg, which is about 5.2 stone. I wish I knew more about it. I wish I could prepare myself for what was coming. Why didn’t someone do something about it?
Back to the campground.
When we were there, it wasn’t the same as usual. I felt people feeling sorry for us. People treating us like we were orphans or something. They looked at me weird. Fake “comforting” smiles. At some point we heard the news. I cant remember how. I don’t know if my dad called us or if someone else told us or if my dad came to get us and told us face to face. But the news was: My mom had a massive epileptic seizure and was hospitalized. She was in intensive care and it wasn’t looking good. My dad took us to see her and I still don’t know how I feel about that. I know it was with the best intentions and I know he didn’t know what was coming, so he wanted us to see her. But she wasn’t fully conscious. She couldn’t speak and she looked so scared. I’ll never forget that look in her eyes. And I’ll never forget what happened next. She looked at us. Her kids. She looked at me, at my sister, at my brother and then me again. Then she opened her mouth and there was this monotone sound in a low voice, like from a machine or something. And then she had another seizure and it was terrifying. I had never seen anything like it before. I was so scared. She was shaking and moving her body so heavily. She was foaming at the mouth. We had to leave immediately and the only thing I could think of was: My mom is going to die.
My mom went into a coma and stayed in it for about two weeks, if I remember correctly. After a few days in intensive care, she was stable enough to go to a regular ward. After the two weeks of coma, she was still sleeping a lot. I was so afraid to visit her, but I went anyway. Twice a day. Even when school started, I went directly after school and I went again in the evening. It was my first year of high school, by the way. When my mom woke up after coma, she seemed a little confused. Which seemed pretty normal to us, after being asleep for so long. But it wasn’t just confusion. It turned out my mom had partial amnesia. She knew close to nothing about the past 10 years. She did remember us, her kids. She didn’t remember us at the age we were at that time, so she asked us a couple of times if we were really this old and this grown up already. My mom apparently forgot about my dad. So when he was at her bedside, she asked him who he was. He told her that he was her husband and she responded with: ‘Nooooo, I didn’t marry YOU!’. At the time we all found this quite funny, but thinking back on it, I’m sure it really hurt my dad.
My mom started to remember my dad pretty quickly, so that turned out fine. She also got some of her other memories back after a while, but I think she still can’t remember a lot of stuff from that period. My mom was in the hospital for about two months. She gained a lot of weight, she was joking with the male nurses and doctors and she seemed happy. All of the mental health issues were gone. Completely gone. Like they never even happened. It messed with my head. I think it messed with everybody’s head. What happened? What cured my mom? And what the fuck was wrong with her in the first place? I haven’t mentioned this before, but I’ve seen my mom do a suicide attempt once. Or more like a preparation for one. We were all standing on our balcony one evening and all of a sudden my mom said we were better off without her and she was useless or worthless. She started to climb over the fence of the balcony. My dad pulled her off. My sister, who is five years older than me, told me later my mom had done a couple of serious attempts during those ten years.
After the coma my mom was a totally different mom than she had ever been. So it was like I had a new mom. She quit smoking, she was smiling, she was talking with us, she was making jokes, she asked about my day. Writing about this genuinely makes me cry, because these are such normal and simple things and I never got to experience it when I was a little kid. I finally had a mom. And I’m so glad, cause I really needed her for what happened next.
