Important: The names I use aren’t the real ones, because I’m telling my story and not theirs. If you know, you know.
It is August 2009 and I’m at Lowlands Festival with my best friend, Chelsea. In between shows we spent a lot of time at a place called ‘The Tea Garden’. At some point at the first official festival day, three guys came sitting at the same picnic table we were sitting at. We started talking and eventually exchanged contact information. With one of the guys I clicked immediately. We had a very similar taste in music and whilst talking I just couldn’t stop looking at his eyes. This guy, Leander, was the oldest of the three. He was there with his little brother and a friend of his brother. Chelsea had more of a connection with Leander’s brother and had conversations with him about Utrecht. Both brothers lived in Utrecht and Chelsea was gonna do a study in Utrecht. They talked about maybe meeting up sometime.
During the festival we drank tea with the guys two more times. One of those times being the last night of the festival. We had such a nice time talking, I definitely wanted to keep in touch with Leander. And we did. We added each other on MSN and immediately started talking. We had a build-up in our contact, but at some point we talked almost every day. He became sorta like my best friend and we seriously talked about everything. We also flirted a lot, but that wasn’t the main focus of our contact. We wanted to meet up. But my anxiety messed with my head a lot. So most of the times we made plans, I cancelled on him. But I wasn’t alone in that. Leander cancelled on me too. Maybe he was anxious too? Or he was genuinely busy or sick or whatever the reasons of cancellation were.
To me Leander seemed like a very experienced and confident guy. He was a bit older than me and the way he talked, showed he knew exactly what he wanted in life. After almost a year of talking we eventually got to meet up. I was staying over at the apartment he shared with his brother and someone else, both not there that weekend. We started off pretty awkward, but it didn’t take too long before we got more comfortable. At some point we started kissing and, I kid you not, we did that for hours. When we were both getting hungry, we decided to pause the kissing and get something to eat. That night we also went on a walk around the neighbourhood. We walked in a park and sat on a bench for a while. Of course we did some kissing there too. When we were back home we went to the bedroom. We didn’t have sex, but had a lot of foreplay. I remember him really looking at me. Not just seeing me, but actually observing me and my body. I was definitely not used to that. You’d think it would make me extremely insecure, but it didn’t. Yeah it was weird and unknown and a bit uncomfortable at the beginning. But the vibe was just right and it felt safe.
I started going to Leander more often. Not every month, but I think I saw him more regularly than Arja. We also had a very different relationship than I had with Arja. As I mentioned earlier, Leander and I talked almost daily. We had a lot of common interests and I valued his opinion very much. If you’d say there is a difference between fuckbuddies and friends with benefits, Leander would definitely be categorized as a friend with benefits. Whenever we met up it felt like Leander and I were in a relationship in that moment. We were intimate and we had sex, but we also talked a lot. And not just surface level talking, we talked about our lives. We talked about past, present and future. It was definitely what I needed in that time of my life. He was someone I looked up to, but also someone I saw as the friend I never had. A guy that didn’t want me for just the intimacy, but also for my personality. Someone who wanted to listen to what I had to say. And the best part of this all was that it worked. We both didn’t want a relationship. Leander didn’t want a relationship at all and I didn’t feel like having a relationship with him. It was perfect the way it was.
Leander was an unusual guy. Not like anyone I’ve ever met. Like I said before: I looked up to him and I valued his opinion. Leander was always making sure to live as healthy as possible. This meant working out, but also having a healthy diet. Changes in his diet, he always shared with me. Without him knowing, these changes also made me change my diet. I loved him helping me with that, without him even knowing. Whenever I was at his place, he almost always made me dinner. Proper dinner. Not just heating up pizza’s in the oven, but real dishes.
We spent a lot of time just drinking tea and talking. Sometimes cuddled up on the couch and sometimes both sitting at the other end of the couch, legs towards each other. Sometimes we went outside, we even went to the movie once. And sometimes we stayed inside the entire time. Whenever I was there, I always spent the night. And I always left around 16.00 or 17.00 the next day. Leander was very clear about that: He loved having me for 24 hours, but after that he needed his alone time back. And that was more than okay. Because in those 24 hours I got all the attention and love and sweetness I needed. And lots of boyfriendish intimacy. The cuddling, the snuggling, the kissing, the sex, the experimenting, the taking showers together.
The experimenting. Yes. As you probably know by now, I’ve always been a very insecure person. Up to meeting Leander, I guess my sex has always been kinda dull? Well okay, maybe not entirely boring, but definitely not awesome. I was insecure about everything and couldn’t really get into the mood. Leander kinda made me more aware of my body, my sounds, my facial expressions etc. But in a good way. In a way where he made me realize that sex is supposed to be unfiltered. This made me able to let go and just get into the vibe. And I loved that. What I’m about to say now, never made the experience less valuable. I can’t stress this enough. What I’m about to say is also something just a handful of people know. Well…up till now then, haha. Here it comes: I have never had an orgasm from someone apart from one person. And yes, I faked a lot. And I’m sorry. I know some people will be reading this, thinking: What about me? I’m sorry, but you are no exception. That however doesn’t mean the experience wasn’t nice or great or even amazing. I faked the orgasms, not the emotions. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: Leander gave me more confidence in the bedroom, even though I never truly came. It was still so valuable to me.
Whenever I got home after our weekends, we sometimes started talking the same day and sometimes a couple of days later. Sometimes we talked about the weekend, but sometimes we just talked about our normal subjects, as if the weekend had never happened. And that was okay. It never bothered me, actually.
Even though we talked about almost everything, Leander never really talked to me about girls he saw before me. I sometimes asked about it, but he stayed vague.
I remember him mentioning a woman who was in his life. He didn’t really say anything specific about her, but he was definitely insinuating that he had sex with her. Or some other kind of intimacy.
At some point I was dating a guy and my contact with Leander faded. Not because I wanted that, but because he did. We always said we would stay friends if anyone of us would get into a relationship, but I guess that wasn’t realistic. We had a few arguments and decided to stop talking for a bit.
After a while we started talking again and that’s when he said it. The words I never ever thought I would hear from HIM.
Leander told me I took his virginity. He said it very subtle, like it wasn’t a big deal at all and like it was common knowledge. But it definitely wasn’t. Oh my god, how could I not have known this? He told me it was easier to not say it, so it wouldn’t be ‘a thing’ and I have to agree on that.
But seriously, I couldn’t believe that the guy that gave me more confidence, actually never had sex before me. So unbelievable. I couldn’t really let it go and wanted to know a lot more about that. But he got annoyed, which is understandable, and our contact faded again.
We’ve had some contact after that. But it was never like it was before. That friendship was gone. I had a hard time accepting that, but now I’m actually very much okay with it.
I guess he was always meant to be there for a small period of time. We don't fit each others lives anymore and that's okay.
