Important: The names I use aren’t the real ones, because I’m telling my story and not theirs. If you know, you know.
In the last post I told some more about that group of friends that suddenly “broke up” with me. After a period of no contact whatsoever with anyone from that group, I started hanging out again with Dahlia. She was my childhood friend and even though we had a lot of fights, our friendship (or whatever it was) kinda always remained. We went to Musicon a couple of times. Musicon is a music venue/popcentre with small gigs in weekends and rooms for band practice. I’ve met a lot of people in Musicon. One night Dahlia and I met Ant. Yes, Ant. Same name as my first boyfriend, but definitely not the same guy. I can’t remember if Dahlia already knew him, but I don’t think she did. Anyway, we started hanging out some more. Ant had two friends who also hung out with us sometimes and it was a pretty fun time. Ant was, just like Kenny, a huge fan of Greenday. He even kinda really looked like the singer of Greenday, haha. Annoying, but not really relevant to the story. Anyway, in April 2008 Ant, Dahlia and I went to a concert. It was a concert of Mindless Self Indulgence in Waterfront Rotterdam (this venue doesn’t exist anymore, unfortunately). Waterfront had a restaurant and when we arrived at the venue, hours before the gig, we saw the band having lunch at that restaurant. In case you don’t know this band: This band is weird. They are always drunk on stage, do weird stuff, dress weird, talk weird, sing weird, treat people weird. They give a LOT of attention to their fans. I have a lot of interesting anecdotes to tell you about this band and the lead singer in particular. But when we saw them having lunch, they were sober. They were just normal, haha. Weird experience. During the concert I was very close to Ant. We were really enjoying the concert together and at some point Ant kissed me. After that day we started to hang out without Dahlia a bit more often. Dahlia definitely didn’t like that. Ant and I noticed her being mad or sad about it, so we sometimes lied about seeing each other. When Ant and I were in a relationship, there was a day when we were spending time together, but we lied about it to Dahlia. Dahlia kept calling both of us and we didn’t answer our phones, because we didn’t want to deal with Dahlia being mad (because she could be SO explosive). At some point Ant had enough and he answered his phone. He lied and said he was home alone and told her to stop calling. At the same time Dahlia called me with another phone. She heard my ringtone and really lost it. She was so mad and was done with me….again.
My relationship with Ant was weird. I don’t even know what it was. He had issues and he annoyed me a lot. One day we went to a fun fair and got into an attraction where he lost his phone during the ride. He asked the attraction supervisor if he could get his phone back and this guy reacted a little annoyed and Ant just lost it. He was so mad and it kinda scared me. A few days later there was this holiday in the Netherlands. Ant and I went to celebrate it with his two friends in The Hague City Centre. We were walking in a huge crowd and suddenly someone grabbed my arm and made a flirty comment. Ant, again, lost it. This made me so mad. I just walked away and said I didn’t want to deal with that. He followed me home and kept saying I was his princess and I was perfect and he didn’t want to lose me. Ugh, it disgusted me. I said it was over, but he apparently didn’t agree.
In that period I met another guy, Jonah. Jonah was nice and safe and maybe a little boring. But in a good, nice, decent way. We started hanging out. We went swimming with his friends a couple of times and it was just nice. Three weeks had passed since that escalation with Ant and out of nowhere I got a text message from Ant with the text: ‘Meg, the coke stopped fizzing. I don’t think we should be together anymore. And btw, you are boring’. Remember: I already told him we were done, three weeks before that. Can you imagine my face? I couldn’t stop laughing. Anyway, that evening I hung out with Jonah again. I told him about the text message and I guess he waited for me to be really single (even though I already was single), because he kissed me for the first time that evening. Jonah and I never really got into a relationship. We just hung out and we shared a couple of kisses. It was definitely nice and needed and dramafree. I’m grateful Jonah could give me that.
After my time with Jonah, Arja contacted me again. He was home alone and invited me over to spend the night. We had talked a lot about this. Made up scenarios about how it would go. How we would go from kissing to having sex for the first time. I was SO excited for this. I really really REALLY wanted this, omg. It was August 1st 2008. I went to Bilthoven by train. I told my parents I stayed over at a friend of mine. Arja picked me up from the train station and we cycled to his home (I was on the back of his bike). After we had stepped inside and closed the door, we immediately started kissing. We moved towards the couch and kissed on the couch for a little while. He then asked if I wanted to see his room. We all know this is code for: Come have sex with me. So ehm…yeah. Of course I wanted to see his room!
That day was SO hot and we were so sweaty, oh my god. Our bodies on top of each other was almost like a slip and slide. Oh how I fantasized about this, but I was SO insecure. I couldn’t even fully enjoy it. I was so conscious of my body and all my movements. I was convinced I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was boring. He was constantly asking me if I came already. I felt like a boring dull girl. I did like being there, though. We talked a lot, kissed a lot and we had some more sex. We watched a full season of the Simpsons and sleeping next to Arja was just amazing. It took me some hours to fall asleep, though. I was SO hyped and so insecure and had to relive the day multiple times before I could fall asleep. My stomach hurt like hell from all the tension, but it was SO worth it.
The next day I promised Leanne, a friend of mine, to hang out at a festival at the beach in Scheveningen. I left Arja’s home around noon. He took me to the train station on his bike again. We kissed goodbye and I went to see my friend. Leanne was a special girl. Not the good kind of special. She was manipulative and really was a female version of a player. There were SO many guys who wanted her. And even more guys that got her, haha. Leanne was nice to me, BUT at the same time kissed all the boys I liked in front of me. Leanne and I spent a lot of time at Musicon. Here we hung out with a lot of people. A lot of drug using people. I saw a lot of drugs in that time, but never used any. All people around me did, but I had no interest whatsoever.
At some point Leanne got into a relationship with Blake. Blake was a lowlife. He was always drunk, never had any money. Passed out A LOT. I don’t think Leanne was ever really into Blake, he just claimed to be in a relationship with her and she was okay with that. At the same time she was kissing almost everybody in Musicon. When Blake found out, he broke up with Leanne, but stayed friends with the both of us.
One day we were hanging out at Musicon again and it got pretty late and I missed the last bus home. A female friend of Blake offered to let me sleep at her place and so I did. And so did Blake and so did Leanne. I really REALLY don’t know why… I guess I just didn’t want to reject Blake, but he kissed me and I kissed him back. He told EVERYBODY that we were in a relationship and I was seriously so embarrassed. But I also didn’t want to hurt him…so it took me a while to tell him that I really didn’t want a relationship with him. When I eventually told him after two weeks, he didn’t take it that well. He got drunk again and passed out again.
I was supposed to stay the night at Leanne, but she left early without telling me and it was too late for me to get home by bus. I definitely wasn’t going to stay at Blake’s place. Blake had a friend who was an even bigger lowlife than Blake was. Michael offered to let me sleep at his place. It felt like I didn’t really have a choice, so we walked to his home together and I stayed the night there. The walk was 45 minutes and when we arrived at his place he started to kiss me and tried to do more. I wasn’t interested at all and I REALLY didn’t want to be in a similar situation as I was with Blake. So I rejected him. He was drunk and weak and intoxicated and he started crying. I just couldn’t believe this was how my life was going. Everything was so fucked up. My whole environment was so toxic and I just wanted to disappear.
During those weekends at Musicon I also met a guy named Brent. Brent was also a drug user. He was a player, but in the weirdest way. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever met. He lived in his own bubble, with his own made-up words and he was mainly focused on using drugs and kissing as many girls as possible. And me, being the insecure, validationseeking girl I was, obviously wanted him to kiss me too. I wasn’t even interested in having a relationship with him. I just wanted him to like me. We did kiss one night at Musicon. His kiss was even weirder than his attitude. He seriously licked my face. As if it was the most normal thing ever! The same night he kissed Leanne. AND he got sick and threw up. Even his throwing up was the weirdest barf I had ever seen. He was just walking, turned his head left, threw up whilst walking and continued as if nothing happened. What a guy, haha.
At some point Leanne wanted to go to another place than Musicon. I once went to DormiBella with Dahlia and remembered that place being quite similar to Musicon. Leanne and I went to Dormibella together once and then we just kinda stopped hanging out. There wasn’t even a clear reason as to why that happened, but I think we were both more than fine with it. Leanne never visited Dormi again, but I went every week. At Dormi I met Jelle. We immediately became friends. It was just instant friendship. There wasn’t any tension or flirting or whatever, just friendship from the beginning and that was nice. We just clicked. We had a lot of the same interests, so we had a lot to talk about. I saw Jelle every weekend, but we also sometimes hung out on weekdays. I think my friendship with Jelle was one of the most real friendships I’ve had.
Funny thing: When I switched to going out at Dormi, Brent also went to Dormi almost every weekend. At Musicon Brent was pretty much alone…or not with anyone in particular. At Dormi he suddenly had a friend, Jordan. I didn’t really get their friendship. They seemed like pretty different people. Jordan was way less fucked up than Brent and he was way more decent than Brent. I liked Jordan, but he was interested in totally different girls, which was fine. Dormi wasn’t in The Hague, so I really had to have the last tram home at…I think it was 01.30. Sometimes Jelle brought me to the tram and sometimes I went home with Brent and Jordan. We didn’t really have contact at Dormi, but it was convenient to go home with them. And besides it being convenient, it was also nice and fun. I remember us parroting popular tv-shows or Youtube videos. I still know all the lines from Charlie the Unicorn.
Jordan and Brent always went in a different direction than I went once we arrived in The Hague. I guess they just hung out some more somewhere else? I walked home from the tram by myself and was perfectly okay with that, until someone harassed me whilst walking home after going out at Dormi. I remember it so well: I was wearing an orange dress, purple tights and red boots. Yeah…it was a look, haha. Anyway, someone just grabbed my arm and asked me to spend the night with him for money. I obviously said no, but he wouldn’t let go. There were two guys across the street that noticed what was happening and they had to help me get rid of the guy. It really scared me.
I never told Brent and Jordan, but it was like they knew. The next weekend they walked me all the way to my house. They probably have no idea how much I needed that, that weekend. But omg did I appreciate that. I seriously can’t remember if it was a one time thing or if they did it more often. But that doesn’t matter, they did it when I needed it most. I’m grateful.
I liked my time at Dormi. I met a lot of people, felt welcome and always had someone to hangout with. Even if Jelle wasn’t there, I still had his friends to hangout with. I also made several friends in different groups at Dormi. I was never alone and even though I was probably in one of the most depressive periods I’ve been in, I still had a LOT of fun. I wouldn’t say I miss it, but I definitely have some nice memories of that time.
