Translated blogpost from 2018 Autumn has begun. Just like any other season, autumn has something to help me when I feel down. On rainy days, after coming home soaking wet, it feels great to sit on the floor in the shower and warm up slowly by the heat of the water. "Dead" fingers and toes change from gray to blue to purple to red. And thoughts about what I have been through and what is still to come, randomly go through my head. After everything has flashed by at a rapid pace, there is silence. Thoughtsilence. I don't worry, frustrations and fear fade away and there is a place for sadness. It's allowed now. No one can see it and the tears wash away with the water that's running down my face.
I can imagine this may sound strange. Because what's so good about being sad? For me, a lot is good about being "allowed to be sad". I don't normally allow it. Everything has to be right, because what if people think I'm a dramaqueen? I'm not allowed to be angry either, because what if people start to dislike me? I cannot show frustration, because who needs that?
I once said that sadness or sorrow is my comfort zone, but I never allow myself to go to this safe haven in front of other people. Sadness is for when I'm alone, like all other unhappy emotions. It's hard to get this thought out of my head, but I'm working on it. I am expressing and showing disappointments and concerns. I communicate more about what I feel. But crying in public is still one step too far. Maybe next year.
